Overdose
by Myka
Summary: Eiji thought he was ready to open the box with Ash's pictures inside. Thought the ache in his heart had finally healed. But sometimes some aches just follow us forever.


The dreams start almost immediately.

Night after night.

They linger in front of Eiji's eyes as he opens them.

Sometimes he finds himself reaching out to the phantom that isn't there. Sometimes, he blinks away the tears he's shed. And every time, Eiji takes a moment to remember. To let the dull ache filter and fade away before getting up and starting his day.

It takes Sing a week to notice. A week for Eiji's eyes to form those saggy bags from lack of sleep.

"Too much work at the gallery?" Sing asks as he drops his keys on the counter by the door.

Eiji smiles, he knew Sing would notice sooner or later. Sing has always been the first to notice for some reason. So there was no point in lying. "I started dreaming about Ash again… since I open the box with the pictures."

Sing pulls out one of the table chairs and sits down. "I thought displaying Ash's picture at your show was because you were ready?"

Eiji grabs a small spoon and starts stirring his tea. "I thought so too. I thought I was…" he takes a small sip. It tastes like nothing. "When I saw that empty wall at the gallery. The first thing I thought of was Ash and that picture I took so long ago." Eiji puts the tea down, adds a cube of sugar and starts stirring. "I remember waking up and seeing him sitting there. It wasn't the first time, he loved sitting on the window and just staring at the city. He didn't notice me watching at first—not sure if he heard me grab the camera—he didn't look at me until the it made the click. I remember—" Eiji gulps. "I remember his eyes finding me, I remember him smiling. He always smiled when he saw me. He asked me if I wanted him to pose..." Eiji stops stirring, eyes watching the liquid swirl.

"He posed for it." Sing finishes.

Eiji nods. "It's been seven years—" Eiji catches himself, blinks tears without realizing. "Perhaps I still wasn't ready." Eiji pushes the cup away and wipes the tears with the back of his sleeve, his appetite gone. "If seven years is not enough. How long will I have to carry this still?"

Sing doesn't respond right away. He lets Eiji take his time as he wipes the still falling tears. "Perhaps you should see Dr. Bergman again." He suggests.

Eiji nods. "Perhaps. I'll wait another few days to see if the dreams stop. If not, I'll make an appointment."

"She said relapsing is normal, remember?"

"Yeah…"

"I know it's a bad time, but my semester is over in a few weeks. I wanted to stay closer to campus, but if you want me to stay here with you—"

"Don't be silly," Eiji interrupts. "Your apartment is right next to campus. You can't spare the time. I'll be fine. I have tons to do at the gallery to keep me busy and we can still meet over the weekend. I'll call you if I need anything, you know I always do."

"I know." Sing forces a smile, his voice drifting between them. Unconvinced.

The soft pitter patter of paws clack through the kitchen. Buddy comes around the table and rests his head on Eiji's lap. His big eyes watching his master as he releases a soft whine. Eiji smiles warmly as he pets the dog's head gently. He wasn't alone. He'll be fine. This was a small relapse. It would fade.

* * *

The phone rings and rings. Eiji shakes his head as he touches his forehead. The pulsing headache making his eyes twitch. "Hello?" he mumbles into the receiver, not even bothering to put the phone on speaker.

"You said you were gonna check-in with me in the morning." Sing's voice sounds concerned.

Eiji blinks and glances at the time. 1:33 p.m. "Sorry. I overslept." He tries to sit up, but his body feels like logs.

"Are you taking the medication Dr. Bergman prescribed to you?" Sing asks.

Eiji nods even if he knows Sing can't see him. "Twice a day, but he's still there. He talked to me this time. Said he missed me."

"It was just a dream, Eiji."

"I know…" Eiji's voice cracks at the seams. "He won't go away though. It's like the more I try to stop him from appearing, the stronger he becomes."

"He's dead, Eiji. It's just dreams."

Eiji frowns, the headache pounding behind his eyelids. "I know that! It's been seven years."

"Look. I'll drive down after class. I'll bring my books—"

"No." Eiji cuts Sing off. "You study. I'm awake now. Thanks for waking me up."

"Please Eiji just—" Sing suddenly stops. "Fuck. I have to do something. I'll call you after class ok?"

Eiji glances at his dresser. The opened box sits there like it's taunting him. "Ok." He hangs up.

* * *

Ash lies on the bed next to Eiji. Arms crossed behind his head as a pillow. "Tell me about Japan again," he asks.

Eiji nuzzles closer, but doesn't touch. Just watches and starts telling Ash about Japan. About Izumo. About his family.

When Eiji wakes up the other side of the bed is empty and tears fall from his eyes.

* * *

Eiji paces through the kitchen. Opening the cabinets desperately in a frantic search. He can't believe he was so stupid to forget to refill his prescription. He called the pharmacy, but they couldn't fill it until the next morning.

He promised he'd be at the gallery early the next morning! He couldn't miss it! The gallery owner had threaten to pull his exhibition if he didn't show! He had to sleep. He had—

Eiji's fingers tumble on the medicine cabinet, finding an old bottle of sleeping pills. He grabs four and opens the fridge for some water. His eyes freezing on the brown beer bottle Sing had forgotten.

A little memory flashes of Ash swigging one of the bottles in the middle of a good laugh.

Without thinking Eiji grabs it and downs it along with the pills.

That night he doesn't dream.

* * *

"What the fuck, Eiji." Sing screams through the receiver. "Your show got pulled?"

Eiji bites his lip. He'd slept right through the alarm. Woke up to a nasty voicemail saying to pick up his pieces immediately.

"What are you going to do with the pieces that didn't sell?" Sing asks with a hint of worry.

"Storage for now." Eiji opens his medicine bottle and pops his prescription dose in his mouth.

"And Dawn?" Eiji can hear the hesitation in Sing's voice. "Last time I checked it said not for sale."

"It sold." Eiji deadpans as he swallows the pills. "I changed my mind. Someone offered me good money for it and I needed it."

There is a small silence. "Well that's good I guess." Sing's voice becomes softer. "Look I'm really sorry I haven't been there. I just need to cram for finals then I'll go spend some days with you. I called Max and—"

"Max has his own life." Eiji interrupts. "I'm fine. Just have some trouble sleeping still. It was my mistake for not refilling my prescription and taking sleeping pills instead. Dr. Bergman increased my dosage and supply. It will last me until you get back."

"Ok." Sing sighs. "I'll call you in the morning ok?"

"Thanks, Sing." Eiji makes sure the lid is closed tight on the bottle. "Good night."

"Good night, Eiji."

Eiji hangs up and heads to his room. Goes to the bathroom and puts his medicine inside the cabinet next to a new bottle of sleeping pills which he opens. He removes his clothes and puts on his grey pajamas. Takes a sip of the beer by his bed and glances towards the end of the room. Dawn rests against the far wall. Illuminated by a small lamp. Eiji stares at it before taking the sleeping pills and lying down.

"Good night, Ash."

* * *

"Stay with me forever."

Eiji wiggles. Feeling the grass beneath him. The air and the sun.

Ash rests against a tree as they lay on its shade side by side.

He feels Ash's touch on his skin like a breath of air. Eiji wants more and reaches out, but the touch evades him. Seems farther away.

"Wait for me." Ash reaches out, but Eiji can't feel his touch.

Tears well up in Eiji's eyes. "I have been waiting forever," he cries.

Ash smiles at him.

When Eiji wakes up his chest feels tight.

On the far end of the room Dawn looks at him.

* * *

Eiji feels sick. He stares at his empty fridge. His stomach growling even if he can't keep anything down. He knows he should call Sing. He knows he promised to call Sing an hour ago. Or was it two hours ago? He can't remember.

The pills taste sour on his tongue. His stomach twists in discomfort.

Just a few more days. Just a few more days. He can do it. He's done it before. During the first year after Ash died. When he thought the world had no purpose. When he found himself lost even when surrounded by people.

They refused to leave him alone during those first few weeks. Bones and Kong mumbled about how Japan had high suicide rates. Eiji would smile at them, even joke with them. Yes, Eiji was sad. Yes, he was hurt terribly. But, he would move on, he would go on. He would keep Ash in his soul and face each day.

Eiji stumbles into his room, faltering to the dresser and going through the pictures again. Grabbing each one and barely glancing at it before putting it back in its dark place. "I'm sorry," Eiji mumbles as he closes the box tight again. "I'm sorry." He drops on the bed, exhausted.

He wishes for the pills to kick in already so he could have a few hours of peace.

He had done it once. He would do it again. This was just a small relapse. A small period of time in his life that in a few years will be nothing but a blurry memory he couldn't grasp.

And Ash will be there in his memories. In his heart.

Just a few more days...

Eiji stares at the ceiling as the bottle touches his lips. He closes his eyes and tries to forget.

Behind him, Dawn stands.

* * *

Eiji finds himself in the middle of his room. He shakes his head once trying to drive the fuzziness out and heads to the kitchen.

He freezes immediately. Ash sits on the kitchen table. Slouching.

Eiji frowns. "What are you going to say now?" he asks as he opens the fridge. It's empty.

"I wasn't going to say anything." Ash raises his hands in defeat.

Eiji pouts as he takes a seat across from Ash. "I just can't stop dreaming about you, can I?" he sighs and bites his lips. "Therapy doesn't help. Prescriptions don't help. Not even alcohol or sleeping pills." He mumbles.

"You shouldn't take those," Ash leans forward, hands stretching to be closer to Eiji's.

Eiji stares at Ash's fingers a few inches from his own. Feels his heart flutter just slightly.

"Ash…" Eiji swallows hard. "Could you please go away?"

Ash tilts his head and taps a finger on the table. "You want me to leave?"

"Yes." Eiji nods. "Stay in your pictures. Let me look at you and remember you and tell you I loved you. But, when you show up in my dreams like this… it hurts. It feels like my soul is breaking because they feel real. They feel like you're not gone and I have you with me again just to wake up and remember I lost you. That you left me here..."

"I didn't want to leave you—"

"You died reading my letter!" Eiji feels tears stream down his cheeks. "You died as I told you I loved you. That we would see each other again." Eiji squeezes his hands into fists away from Ash's reach. "I regret everyday I didn't stay. I should have stayed, but I was still too young to see clearly. Was still too young not to be pressured by everyone telling me to go back when I just wanted to be by your side. All the time I was on that plane thinking about you, about the future. You were bleeding out. I'll never forget that feeling when I turned my phone back on and it was just ping after ping of missed messages…"

Eiji hears the scrape of a chair against the floor. Hears footsteps coming close. Ash's presence next to him feels real. "I'm sorry." Ash voice is calm. "I thought if I was gone there was no reason for you to come back. You deserved to be safe in Japan."

"You broke my heart!" Eiji stands and steps away before Ash can touch him. "Please…" Eiji weeps. "Please… let me be." He begs. "Leave and never come back. Please stop haunting me."

Eiji chokes out a cry. This is the worst dream of them all.

Ash stays silent for a minute, then comes as close as he can without touching Eiji. "I can't. I won't."

Eiji feels Ash's presence like an anchor pulling him. But he knows if he reaches out he would never make contact. He would never feel it. This is just another dream, another echo and—

Ash places a hand on his shoulder.

It feels heavy.

Eiji blinks as Ash gently runs his fingers through Eiji's hair.

"You grew it out so long…" He smiles and wipes away Eiji's tears with his thumbs and he cradles his face. "I missed you, Eiji."

Eiji shakes. "I don't know if this is the worst dream or the best." Eiji feels lighter with every touch of Ash's skin on his. He can't explain it, but it's almost like Ash's touch is pulling all the anguish out of him. Like he can finally breathe.

Ash leans forward and presses his lips on Eiji's brow. "Don't be afraid."

It's warm. Like a real kiss.

"What kind of dream is this...?" Eiji's attention gets caught by the sound of a car outside. "Oh... that must be Sing. I forgot to call him." Eji moves away from Ash and starts heading to the door. Ash runs around him to block him. He touches Eiji again. Hands on his cheeks, pressing. "It's ok not to look."

"Not to look?" Eiji blinks. "Is this a sleepwalking dream? A hallucination? How can I see you and still hear—" Keys jingle on the door. It opens.

"Eiji! Eiji!"

"I'm here." Eiji responds to the call of his name. Pouting as Ash still stands before him keeping him back. "I'm gonna need extensive therapy after this," he huffs.

Sing runs into the kitchen yelling Eiji's name. Eiji waves at him. Sing turns around and runs to the hallway. "Eiji! Where are you?!"

Eiji feels his fingers shiver and suddenly feel cold. He shakes. "Ash?"

Ash touches him again. Grabs his hand. Holds it tight. "It's ok not to look."

Eiji steps forward following Sing. Suddenly jolting when he hears Sing screaming his name in a way that makes his skin crawl. He keeps going. Ash stays with him.

Sing's panicked voice filters through the house. "No I don't— No! He's not cold. Fuck! Just hurry!"

Eiji slowly turns the corner to his room.

He sees Sing performing CPR on someone on his bed. He'd never seen Sing so scared. So sad. So desperate.

"Godammit, Eiji. Wake up!"

Eiji stumbles back. The cold inside him deepening like he's sinking in a frozen pond. "Ash?" he shivers. "Ash?"

Arms wrap around him tight. Heat spreading at their touch. "I'm here." Ash's voice is calm. "You can close your eyes if you want."

"Am I dead?" The question leaves Eiji's lips in a quiet gasp.

"Enough that you can see me. Not enough that Sing is still trying to save you."

Eiji watches for another moment as Sing cries out his name. As he curses and tears falls down his cheeks.

Eiji frees himself from Ash's grasp and stumbles back into the kitchen, reality settling around him and for once sees. Really sees. His once pristine kitchen is littered with trash and empty bottles of beer and pills.

"I didn't—" Eiji trembles. How many pills had he taken this time? How many bottles did he drank? "I don't—" Eiji feels the despair coil around him and squeeze his soul. What had he done? What had he done?! The darkness surrounds him, drags him down. Ash's arms wrap around him again, bringing him back. "Ash…" Eiji weeps and falls into Ash's arms. Weeps for himself. For Sing. For his family and friends. "I don't want to die."

Eiji trembles even as Ash holds him close. "It was an accident, Eiji. Just an accident."

The front door bangs open as paramedics rush into the house. Eiji follows them pulled by curiosity. He stops by the threshold to his room, letting Ash catch up to him and wrap his arms around Eiji's waist.

The paramedics pull Sing away from Eiji and quickly start to work.

"Do you know what he took?" One of them asks as he breaks open Eiji's shirt to expose his bare chest.

"He's taking antidepressants. He's been having trouble sleeping. I don't know which one…" Sing covers his mouth to hide a sob. He looks so young and lost.

One of the paramedics pulls out a syringe and jabs it close to Eiji's heart.

It's sudden. Eiji feels a force pull him and the world fizzles around him, he grips Ash's arm without thinking.

Ash's arms relax around him. Loosen his hold like he's letting Eiji go. "It's ok to go back." Ash says close to Eiji's ear. "I will wait your entire life here for you. Just think of this as an hallucination. Just your soul trying to give you a reason to keep living. There's so much you still can do. So many more pictures and lives you have to capture forever."

Eiji takes a sharp breath, he can't stop the tears that come. He leans back into Ash's arms, falling deeper into their warmth. His camera lies on the nightstand like it always is. "If my soul is trying to tell me to live…" Eiji notices the mess of pictures on the dresser. "Then why does it show me you?"

"Eiji…" Ash leans forward, arms tightening back around Eiji's body possessively.

"Don't leave me this time." Eiji's begs.

Ash pulls him away further and further from Sing. From the paramedics still trying to save Eiji's life. They sit on the love seat just off the hallway. Waiting.

Ash twirls his fingers through Eiji's long hair. Eiji presses his palm against Ash's, matching each finger slowly. "How come you're still bigger and taller than me? I'm twenty eight now. Was..."

A soft whine catches Eiji's attention. Buddy slouches by the hallway, glancing towards Eiji's room. "Sorry, Buddy. Sing will take care of you from now on."

"No!" Sing's scream echoes through the house. "You can't stop trying! You have to bring him back!"

Eiji leans closer to Ash. Ash's arms hold him tighter. "It feels different now." Eiji says nonchalantly. It was all gone now. All the heaviness. All the aches. All the future things that will never be.

Eiji tilts his head back and settles in the crook of Ash's neck as Ash presses a kiss on his brow. He leans towards it, feels it everywhere. "What happens now?" Eiji asks as he watches the paramedics wheel his body away.

Sing follows them, phone on his ear as he talks rapidly. "They're taking him to New York Presbyterian on the Lower East— No! I don't know what happened. Just meet me at the hospital please…" Sing's voice breaks. "Max… he lied to me. Ash's picture was in his room. His dresser was littered with pictures of him and Ash. He finally took him from us. Ash finally did..."

Sing's voice drifts further and further as he leaves the house.

"Goodbye, Sing." Eiji kisses Ash's arm keeping him close and warm. Ash says Eiji's name three times and holds him tight. Says he's sorry three times more until Eiji feels Ash's tears on his skin.

Eiji waits for the tears to stop. Waits until he can sit up and turn to face Ash. "Where do we go now?" Eiji asks, feeling the cold seep deep into his skin where Ash isn't touching.

Ash suddenly moves forward, lips touching Eiji's softly, kindly. Eiji smiles for the first time in weeks. Ash answers. "Stay by my side."


End file.
